Finding the balance

Paper Airplanes

Feelings aren't right or wrong

Relationships are hard for everyone. My Mother taught me that feelings aren't right or wrong there your feelings. Whereas I agree with that statement, I will add... Grow from them, learn from them, but never stop expressing them. Feelings make you human... we all have them. 

Although I was told this my whole life, that wasn't my experience. I was actually made to feel bad and guilty for my feelings. I was told I was too sensitive and too emotional. The result of that was that nobody ever listened to me or took me seriously.

Now in my forties, after surviving many different kinds of relationships, I realize and have learned that I am a highly sensitive personality, as well as an empathetic personality. If you have never heard of these (just like I never had before), I will post below what those personality traits actually are. Having these personality types is both a blessing and a curse. After reading about them, you will probably be able to decipher why. I will say that being of these two personality traits, one blessing is it's allowed me to stay soft-hearted and compassionate in all my pain and trauma. One of the curses though however, makes me an easy target for more pain and hurt. That's where boundaries and knowing your worth comes in.

Boundaries

Oh wow, what can I say about boundaries? Boundaries are a very hard thing. Not just to set them, but to keep them. We all want to believe that people will respect us enough not to have to put boundaries in place, unfortunately that is not the case. In fact, we need to enforce stricter boundaries this day in age. Some are stricter than others, depending on the situation and the people or person. Any relationship should have boundaries if it's going to grow and be healthy. I tried to keep boundaries growing up, but it was a struggle, not because of me, but because when you are dealing with toxic people, they push those boundaries. You draw a line in the sand, and darn if they don't just step right over it. Then when you love that said toxic person, the boundaries get blurred somehow. BUT then how about this one.... toxic boundaries. a double-edged sword if you will. When a person uses boundaries when, and only when, they want to control a situation or person. Technically, the boundary itself isn't toxic, but how it's used and abused. One minute they have a boundary, the next, they don't. The result of that is you don't know where that person stands and then the relationship becomes confusing. When confusion sets into a relationship, it starts breaking down because either one or both people start to play the blame game. We all know that game, don't we!? Can you say toxic! Without boundaries, things can get toxic real fast, and sometimes it just creeps up without you realizing it. Years ago I read a very helpful book called.... you guessed it, BOUNDARIES. I highly recommend this book as well as the boundary books for marriage, leaders, kids and teens.

Knowing when to leave a relationship

Knowing when to leave any kind of relationship or when you know there are issues that need to be worked out, is an extremely hard decision. How I personally measure making this decision is that I give myself lots of time for deep thought and reflection about the relationship. How does this relationship make me feel? Do I feel safe? Can I be myself? Etc.... Another thing my mother used to tell me is that, if you go into a relationship or situation of any kind and you feel good about yourself, but then start to feel bad about yourself, then that's a good indication that it's not a good thing and it's a red flag. Red flags are hard to read sometimes, and that's when you have to first of all PRAY, know yourself, know how you feel, listen to the Lord and your own intuitioin. As humans though, even though we see or feel the "red flag", we start justifying the situation because we don't want to lose someone, but in the end, we lose ourselves. 

Relationships aren't black and white. There are so many grey areas that things become clouded. Humans are such complex creatures that when mixing personalities, feelings, and emotions together, things get quite complicated. We need to remember that if you are in a relationship, we need to keep in mind that it's not only about ourselves, but about the other person as well. It took me many years to learn this. Seems obvious that I should have already understood this, but sometimes our own feelings become so great, we forget to see the other person's feelings. I personally have hurt a lot of people, and damaged relationships because I couldn't see anything but my own feelings that justified my behavior within that relationship. I wasn't always the "hurt one", sometimes I was the one that did the hurting. Albeit, unintentionally, I was still responsible. It takes two to make or break a relationship, and when one or both are being selfish with their feelings and actions, the relationship becomes fragile or broken.

The Lie

I have had so many people in my life tell me what they think I wanted to hear, or what I wanted to hear just to resolve an issue, or make me feel good in the moment. In my eyes, this is a form of lying. If someone tells you something and there is no action to back it up, they are probably telling you a lie. Not saying words don't matter on their own, but actions support the words, which in my book makes for a statement of truth. In my personal experience, most all the words said to me without action to support them, always turned out to be lies. So often times people want to believe just the words, and then, like in my experience, end up hurt. But because I am who I am, I thought I just kept believing the lie of just words. In my thirties is when I realized that actions to back the words made sense and made things real and true. Having such a revelation helped me move forward to trust a little more because I could weed out the lies easier. But what happens when you fall in love with someone you trust, and the actions behind the words are there in the beginning but then the actions die off and it's just words? Then what? I'll tell ya... All of a sudden you have rose colored glasses on and you start believing just the words, hoping the actions will return again, and when they don't, you're stuck in a vicious cycle of love and lies. 

Communication

Hands down, without a doubt, communication is key in any and all relationships...period. Without communication, you have nothing but confusion. Communication is as vital as an organ is to the body, without it, it breaks down. A lack of communication is most definitely a factor in the breakdown of any relationship. I hear it all the time in relationships.... {If we had better communication than we would have}, I think we all at some point, have either given or received bad communication. It's confusing! Communicating goes hand in hand with listening. Listening and hearing are two totally different things too by the way. Listening means you articulate what you are hearing. Hearing means you hear the words but aren't really articulating what's being said. It all goes back to my balance theory, like in post 1 and 6. Here is another type of relationship balance. Communication and listening= balance

The advice

Have you ever noticed that people give their advice freely, even when it's unwarranted? Yeah, I thought so. Me too. Some advice is nice, especially when given by someone you can respect. But when it's from someone just wanting to pass their opinionated judgement through what they call advice, it's insulting, not to mention offensive. This past year I have received so much "advice", it's nauseating. Most of this "advice" has come from "friends" trying to be "helpful". Notice all my quotation marks, (laughing), yeah, you guessed it, fair- weather friends! Let's be honest here, fair-weather friends, aren't really friends. They are people that call themselves friends but it's only when it benefits them and their agenda. I call them acquaintances, plain and simple. Friends, you respect, and offer advice only when asked. When your friends give advice, it's given in kindness without judgement. They also don't get offended if you take their advice or not. The fair-weather friends get annoyed if you don't take their "advice". With advice...real advice, I listen and consider what they are saying. Then at the end of the day, I keep what is useful or helpful, and mentally file away the rest. If it's the other kind of "advice", I just do my grocery list in my head, while looking at them blankly and smiling. Oh.... Don't forget to throw in a few nods too! It's a win, win. They get to feel superior, and you get your grocery list done! Let that be a little wink and a nudge from me to all of you...how's that for advice!?

Cliques

Cliques are for kids! I used to think that when I grew up, high school behavior would stop... no more cliques or caddy behavior's. Boy, was I mistaken! In some cases, it's worse as an adult than as a kid. Now we have the pressures of income, kids, cars, houses, who knows who (which that part is still the same), marriages, and career status. It's a live version of the  Game of Thrones or Keeping Up With The Jones'. People still trying to impress other's just to be excepted. Some may read this and think, well maybe you're jealous because you want to be excepted. Nope...been there done that. Don't get me wrong, it's fun for awhile. Until... things get hard and you need a friend to lean on. I would say, out of your clique of friends, only 20-30 percent are truly (key word being truly), there. Then after awhile, even that percentage drops to maybe.. maybe, 10 percent. Cliques are a  dime a dozen. 

Let me clarify something though. Being apart of a group of friends, is not the same as a clique. Cliques are one dimensional and  have one agenda... themselves! Groups of authentic friends, share thoughts and ideas, they encourage and support one another, they weather the storms of life with you. Cliques will make you think that's how they are but in reality...chances of that are slim. This is also, what? Yep, you said it, manipulation! Here is the biggest difference between a group of friends and a clique... friends welcome in and except new people. Cliques, are superficial, they don't except new people unless it benefits the clique. They will let people in. They may tolerate a new person or people, but they don't except them. This can and does happen within families as well. I should know, I've delt with both "friend" cliques, and family cliques. Both are equally exhausting. So ladies and gentleman, if you were thinking that something must be wrong with you, be rest assured it is not. If a group of people you associate with feels oddly familiar as to when you were in  high school, chances are it's probably one of those lovely cliques. Just remember to always, no matter what, be authentically yourself!

Truth

Definition: the body of real things, events, and facts : ACTUALITY

This should be  a pretty straight forward word, but somehow it is not. Growing up, being one of four kids, and one of seven as a whole, I've learned that truth can get skewed very easily. Everyone has their own version of the truth. This always struck me as odd, because the truth is truth no two ways about it. But... everyone has their own perception of the truth. Does it mean it's still truth or not?  In our own minds, our perception is the truth. 

I'm a firm believer that truth always prevails. So when I am feeling lost on the truth (my perception, their perception), I just wait and let the "real" truth prevail over time. You can't change it, you can't manipulate it. Truth is truth, and only time has a way of bringing it to the surface.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a hard pill to swallow. So, why do it? Forgiveness is something we want and need from others, but to do it in return can be a daunting task to do. So, why do it? To be so angry and hurt by someone, and then to come to a place of forgiveness. That's terribly hard. So, why do it? 

You do it for yourself, that's why. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. It means letting go of what was, and not letting that bitterness take root inside yourself. It's rising above all the emotional mess, and taking back your self worth!  If you don't learn to forgive, then you're left holding the  baggage, and the other person goes on without a care in the world. That's why forgiveness is important, it heals our wounds from the inside out. It's the final step in our personal growth and healing of something that caused us anger and/or pain. It is also the final form of love. Forgiveness isn't easy, but it's needed. It's also something God calls us to do. Ephesians 4:31-32

The chosen one

Everyone wants to be chosen at some point in there life. Whether it's to be picked for a team, a job position, a clique or even a realtionship. There are  so many reasons a person wants to be chosen or picked for something specific. It always seemed to me it was always a certain type of person ( you know the ones) that always got chosen. The  pretty one, the popular one, the over acheiver, even the kid who didn't really want to be chosen... got chosen!  

Have you ever felt that sour feeling of bitterness creeping up your throat, the one that says "great, here we go again.... not chosen"! Then becoming resentful towards anyone and everyone that has ever been "the chosen one"? Maybe, you even started sterotyping people, saying... "Yeah, they look like they get things handed to them"! Guilty... right here, me! I've done that more times than I care to admit. What it ultamatley boils down to is jealousy. Green with envy! Not a good look for anyone to have that kind of resentful bitterness. Petty is not pretty! Unfortunatly we have all been there at some point in our life. A little bit of jealousy is human, but when it grows into something bigger and more damaging, then what? 

Here's what. Start by asking yourself some simple questions. Why do I feel this way? What happened to make me feel this way?  Then break down those questions, and answer them yourself. When you start identifying the issue that brings on those feelings of jealousy or inadaquacy, you will start to see what you need to do to change it (that is if you choose too). Take back your power, love yourself and know your self worth! When you do this, it won't matter if you're chosen anymore, because you will have chosen yourself. Nobody can take that away from you. I know this to be true because I finally chose myself, when I did, it was a game changer. Nobody can make you feel a certain way but you. So when you feel lost, alone and not chosen, ask yourself why, then change it. Only you have the power to change yourself and how you feel, see, and deal with things. So choose yourself, don't give that power away to someone else. Who are "they" to decipher who you are... "they" aren't you! You are unique and one of a kind, remember that! 

Love is

Friendships

Sometimes we find precious friendships when we least expect it, in the oddest of ways. Embrace these friendships as they are rare and can prove to be the biggest blessings in your life. I think sometimes we expect friendships to fit into a certain mold. We have this vision of what it should look like or what it should be like. In my experience, the friendships or any kind of relationship, I have had that fit into that mold, didn't work out. It was the unusual, unexpected ones that proved to be the most solid blessings I could ever experience. My solid blessings look nothing like I would have ever expected, and came out of nowhere in the oddest of ways. I am so incredibly grateful for my solid unexpected friends! These friends know exactly who they are!  I love you all! You all have made such an impact in my life, and bring me so much joy! Thank You!

Overthinking

Is overthinking a good or bad thing? For me, it's most definitely not a good thing. Perhaps, some of you have some insight on this subject, as I do not. Not at the moment anyway. I am navigating this part of me, and it is so perplexing to me. I thought being over analytical was a good thing, I see now that maybe not so much. My heart and brain should work in tandem, right? Mine most of the time fumble around like rowdy football players hoping for a hail Mary. Sometimes overthinking gets me in trouble, both heart and mind. So... any requested advice is appreciated. Drop a comment or an email with your thoughts. 

Be who YOU are

My whole life I was told who to be, how to think and what to do. I called it the " Becky Box." If I didn't preform the way I was expected too, whether it be friends or family, I was either treated less than or just dismissed altogether. People always assumed they knew me so well, or would assume things about me that were completely wrong. I allowed this behavior to take place for years because I didn't know any other way. I loathe being talked down too, and made to feel stupid...that is a trauma I have had since childhood. I am the kind of person who will take it, take it, take it, until I can't take it anymore. When I'm done, I'm done. At 47 years old, I'm finally done and taking back my power! I want to be who I am, who God created ME to be, not who other's expect me to be. I have had to walk away from a lot of people that were toxic for me or that have walked away from me because they couldn't control me anymore, or simply because I wasn't who they expected me to be. Assuming stuff about people, is damaging. Assuming you know someone's thoughts and feelings, is damaging. When I decided to be authentically myself, and not apologize for being me, it was the most freeing  thing I ever did! Did I lose people yes! A lot of people! That's ok, albeit painful, but I don't want anyone that doesn't see me for me, holding me back anymore. The only one I answer to is myself and the Lord...nuff said!

So I want to encourage all of you to be authentically yourself! If others can't respect that, then you don't need them in your life. I know it sounds easier said than done, but the more you set boundaries and stand up for yourself, it does get easier...I promise! I still have hard days were I want to resort back to the old habits (because that's what I knew my whole life) but when I do, I remember how far I've come, and how hard I've worked becoming my authentic self! So I pick myself up, dust off the old and continue on. Just focus on one day at a time, one moment at a time. You're human, give  yourself some grace and forgiveness. 

Two faced

Ahhh yes, the two faced people. The people that make you want to trust them, but find out the hard way that, that was pretty dumb for doing so. Yes, yes, we have all experienced these kind of people. Is it me, or is this type of person around every single corner? It feels like every other person you meet these days is exactly like this. I think it's sad and disturbing that people feed off others innocents and trust in this way. It's like a wolf in sheep's clothing! Why do people do it? What do they gain? Do they know they are doing it? 

Mind your own business

This topic goes hand in hand with being two faced. Why, oh why does what I do matter to others? Last I checked I paid my own bills, I raise my own kids and I did it all without others' help or permission. So why do they feel they have the right to be all up in my business? Seriously, I personally don't have that much time on my hands to care what someone else is doing, unless it effects me directly. What do they call these people  nowadays on  social media... the "Karen" or the "Kevin". LOL! When social media gives these people names because of them being a "busy body", that's pretty bad. It means there is an epidemic of these said kinds of people everywhere! So ask yourself these questions... Does what those people are doing effect me?  Does what they are doing in any way shape of form involve me? If the answer is no...mind your own business and don't be a "Karen" or a "Kevin". It's that simple!

*Note: My apologies to all the nice and decent Karen's and Kevin's in the world. Not sure why the social masses chose these names for this purpose. I was not on that name dropping  committee.

Confusion

That moment when you think all is well and right in the world, until it's not. You're going about your business, just being yourself, getting along with others, until certain people (friends, acquaintances', or even family) start treating you weird, almost rudely. Taken aback, you start reevaluating everything and everyone, including yourself. What the heck happened here? What did I do?  When you realize that you did nothing wrong per se, except not engage with others the way they expected, and now they are offended. This behavior confuses me! Communicate people! If you have and issue with someone... let them know instead of treating them differently. Nobody can read your mind. If I have done something to offend you, I can't change it unless I know about it. As I've said before, communication is key in ALL areas of our life. Communication is most definitely a lost art.

Control

In life there are things you can, and cannot control. My good friend Joseph reminded me of this today. It's also a good follow up to the confusion post. It's so easy to get lost in what we subject ourselves too, that lines get blurred. This is a very good reminder that we should all read daily. Joseph thank you for this reminder, you are wise beyond your years. I love and appreciate you so much!

Love yourself

One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn, is how to love myself. For years, I thought I could't feel whole unless someone loved me. I truly believed this! One failed relationship after another, I didn't know what I was doing wrong. It wasn't until I was truly alone, that I was parusing the internet, when I saw a quote about " loving yourself." Then I saw videos here and there about "loving yourself." I grew up in church my whole life and I knew and heard about God's love for me, but to love myself!? I was curious as to what this meant. So I kept researching what this meant exactly. I figured out that God's love for me is part of loving myself. After all He created me ( all of us), and if we love Him, why wouldn't we honor Him by loving His beautiful creation...ourselves? 

Identity Theft

We have all had that one friend that took on the identity of whomever they were hanging out with or dating. Or maybe you haven't... but I sure have. I have always been a firm believer in, "you become like those you're around." Ihave seen the best of people spiral out of sorts because they took on the identity of their new found friends or partner.  I have seen this behavior destoy people or in the very least cause conflict with others that have seen the changes with their friend or loved one. Why do people do this? Well from what I can tell and have seen, is that it stems from someone not knowing who they are as an idividual, usually caused by some sort of childhood trauma. Childhood trauma is very real, and can run so deep it effects people in different ways as they grow into adults. I have childhood trauma, and although I didn't do this per se, I do understand it, and where it's derived from. Some people don't even realize what childhood trauma is or if they are a victim of it. If you're not sure what childhood trauma is or if you suffer from it, google Childhood Trauma and you'll be able to see many proffessional tests, quizzes and questionaires that you can take for free to see if you possibly fall into this category. Sometimes we need to dig a little bit to find out why we are the way we are, and then start the journey of finding out who you truly are. Mental healing is so important to finding yourself and loving yourself. The world needs your authentic self, not the made up version you think you are or what others want you to be. 

Intuition

Oh that feeling in the pit of your stomach. You know the one letting you know something just isn't right. Yeah...that one. That is your body telling you something is wrong with a situation or person. That's when you need to process what this feeling is, and why you are feeling it. If you feel this said feeling, don't ignore it! This is a natural thing your body and mind do to protect you. Call it intuition or discernment, it's very real, and you need to listen to it. If you're not sure you're feeling something, chances are, if you're having any kind of question, then yes, you're feeling it. This is why getting to know who you are down to your core, authentically is so important. Knowing yourself, and having your boundaries is what sets the tone for learning to feel your intuition. Listening to your intuition will save you so much hurt and anxiety...if you listen to it!

Personality Post Series:

Your personality

The Sanguine

The Sanguine is typically an outgoing or extroverted personality. The definition of a sanguine is an optimistic or positive person, apparently in a bad or difficult situation. The Sanguine personality is curious, creative, spontaneous, impulsive, goal-oriented, optimistic, and cheerful. A sanguine is capable of talking to new friends like they have known them for a longer time. Sanguine types are often popular and well-liked. They are social, creative, fun, confident, and very talkative extroverts. Sanguine people love adventure, risk-taking, and new experiences.

Some strength's of a sanguine are...

• Optimistic 
• Energetic
• Enthusiastic
• Persistant
• Happy
• Curious
• Open Minded
• Positive Attitude
• Sense of Humor

Whereas the sanguine has some very good attributes, they also have a downside as well. Not everyone can be "up" all the time. I myself am a sanguine and I can tell you, we can swing from one extreme to the other.

Some negative's of a sanguine are...

• Lack of discipline 
• Lack of sincerity
• Impulsivness
• Exuberant Lifestyles
• Lack of commitment 

Now you can be a straight across the board sanguine, but you can also display other personality traits, as I do. As for me, I only have two of the five negative traits listed above. This may be because I take on the negative traits of another personality trait. Our personality traits can also shift over time with life experience and personal growth. For instance, I was a straight up extrovert in my younger years, now as an adult though, I fall under an ambivert. An ambivert can either be extroverted, but can also be an introvert at times. For me, I see this has a super power, because it's the best of both worlds in my personal opinion.

What do you think? Are you a sanguine? Leave a comment or drop an email and let me now your thoughts. 

The Choleric

Choleric people are natural-born leaders, driven, and goal-oriented. They're usually decisive, assertive, and impatient with those who can't keep up with them. Choleric's tend to be controlling and power driven that can sometimes border on domineering. Choleric people are also very passionate, strong willed, active and motivated. They have the "can do" attitude and will try to find a way to get things done even if the task seems impossible (and they usually do find a way). Choleric people sometimes believe their way is either the only way or the best way to do something.They will find creative ways to get things taken care of. Below is the list of the Strength's e and weaknesses of the choleric personality.

 Strength's of the Choleric...

• Astute
• Highly-Motivated
• Assertive
• Independant
• creative
• Advocates

Whereas a person with the choleric personality have great attributes for management type jobs/careers, it can also be a hindrance too being in a team leader situation. If I were looking to hire any personality type, the choleric would be at the top a  my list, as their strength's out weigh their weaknesses by far in my opinion. Keep in mind, as I said before, most people are a combination of personality traits, so even if you are choleric, some of the traits listed may or may not fit you personally.

Weaknesses of the Choleric..

• Impatience
• Self-Centered
• Inattentive
• Bossy
• Struggle to Form Social Connections
• Lack Empathy and Compassion

The Phlegmatic

A phlegmatic person is not  get easily excited by actions or display of emotion; apathetic; sluggish. self-possessed, calm, or composed. Phlegmatic individuals are generally calm, collected, and patient. – They tend to be good listeners and are often empathetic toward others. – Phlegmatic's may struggle with motivation and may be viewed as lazy or unambitious. – They may avoid conflict and have difficulty making decisions. Sometimes this personality gives off an almost  "Meh, I don't care, whatever" kind of attitude. They are the type of person that goes with the flow, doesn't make waves and blends in with the background. Most of the phlegmatic people I've known or have encountered are more of the introverted and quiet types. They take everything in, and process it all later when they are alone. Here are the strength's and weaknesses of the phlegmatic personality.

Strength's of the phlegmatic 

• Cautious
• Diplomatic
• Easy going and calm
• Laid back
• Dependable
• Resilient 
• Loyal
• Good with routine

 Being such a laid back kind of person, you can clearly see, phlegmatic's  have more strength's than weaknesses. Whereas, their weaknesses show not a whole lot of "drive" if you will, they are still considered diplomatic and dependable. I have known some phlegmatic's in my day, and some of these personality traits really surprised me, but there again, I may have seen not only the phlegmatic side but the other personality traits as well. I can't recall what that other personality trait was that they had, it's been way to many years gone by. 

Weaknesses of the phlegmatic 

• Procrastinator
• Lack of ambition
• Plays it safe a bit too much
• Stubborn
• Self-centered
• Anxious, fearful

The Melancholic

Melancholic personalities tend to be introverted and they don't like to stand out. This personality is very accurate, and thorough, but are over thinkers that are hard on themselves. They are detailed oriented and strive for perfection. They thrive with rules and routine.They are thoughtful, compassionate, reserved and anxious. Melancholic's are detail oriented, analytical, self-reliant individuals that love tradition, family and friends. They are most comfortable in surroundings they have created for themselves. Melancholic's are also moody, shy, detached, suspicious, loners, and can be very awkward in nature. Here are the strength's and weaknesses of the melancholic personality.

Strength's of the melancholic

• Passionate
• Empathetic
• Sensitive 
• Sympathetic
• Intuitive
• Organized
• Independant

I have known and am related to some melancholic personalities. Whereas they are quiet and unassuming, that IS indeed their superpower! While others may over look this personality, the melancholic is taking it all in... the people, their surroundings, and let me tell you, they're taking notes! They don't miss anything! This is why their personality works in their benefit. They usually make good workers and students as they like routine and rules. BUT.... because they are so unassuming, they see and hear things other personalities miss. The melancholic is observant and take everything in, so if you have a melancholic in the midst, don't underestimate them because I promise you, they definitely know what's going on.Here are the weaknesses of the melancholic personality.

Weaknesses of the melancholic

• Cautious
• Detached 
• loner
• Awkward
• Moralistic
• Neurotic 
• Suspicious

Personality Quiz:

https://temperaments.fighunter.com/?page=test

Attachment Styles

Personalities make up the person, but what if you add in some trauma from say childhood, or a bad relationship? Well, I'll tell you. It's called a trauma bond.I had no idea what a trauma bond was until I started my own healing journey. As I learned about trauma bonds, it was an overwhelming ah-ha moment for sure. The thing I noticed is each personality deal with things differently, and so each trauma bond will also be unique to their personality type. I don't know if this is accurate, but it seems to be the case in what I have experienced in my own life. I am a Sanguine personality type, and I am also an anxious attachment but do have some traits of a fearful avoidant. The people in my life that are either choleric or phlegmatic seem to carry the dismissive avoidant attachment style.

When I had the ah-ah moment when I first learned about attachment styles, it not only helped me with understanding myself, but others. So in the next few posts, we will cover each attachment style and what they mean. Remember, this is my own research (I'm not a professional) from reading, and watching videos from life coaches and therapists... a lot of them! What is your attachment style, want to know? Then follow along with me in the up coming posts. 

What Is An Attachment Style Anyway?

An attachment style is referred to as patterns of bonding you learn as a child, then carry into your adult life. There are four basic attachment styles that are characterized by adults within close relationships.

• Fearful-avoidant/disordered
• Avoidant/dismissive
• Anxious/ambivalent

These attachment styles are taught to us over time from childhood through to adulthood. Next, we will go through each attachment style and what they mean. Perhaps like me, you will have that same ah-ha moment, when things come into focus, either about yourself or others you have relationships with. Recognizing my attachment style, as well as others, has helped me decode so many of my relationships. It's truly been an eye opening experience, that's for sure! I feel that in learning personalities, as well as attachment styles, I've gained a healthier me. I can more easily establish boundaries, communicate more productively and avoid certain situations that might not be healthy for me. I feel like I now have my very own "Little Orphan Annie" (A Christmas Story reference) relationship decoder.... how exciting!! 

Secure Attachment

Feelings of trust, and safety in relationships. These are the characteristics of a secure the attachment style. For an individual with secure attachment style, they feel safe, supported, and connected in their bond with their partner. This enables them to freely express their emotions, seek comfort, and be confident within their relationship. For the secure attachment individual they can rely on a safe and healthy environment to return to in their partner. The secure attachment individual has fully healed and has processed past relationships before moving onto the next partner. 

In childhood, a secure attachment individual had high self-esteem, and had a healthy environment, love, support and were encouraged. These children tend to have been more independent and self-reliant, then growing into adulthood, they were/are able to form better and healthier social relationships. If you were raised in a more toxic environment, and have a different attachment style, YOU CAN get healing and become a secure attachment style. Attachment styles can change within a person depending on the environment as well as their relationship. 

Fearful-Avoidant/Disordered